Not sure what's wrong
How to tell if a relationship problem is fixable
7 min read · Updated · By the ELOVIYA team
A relationship problem is more likely to be fixable when there's still some warmth and respect between you, when attempts to make up sometimes work, and when both of you can describe the problem as a pattern you share rather than a flaw in one person. It's more likely to be fundamental when contempt has replaced affection, when the core issue is a dealbreaker difference in values or life plans, or when one partner no longer wants to try. If there's fear, control or violence, it isn't a fixability question: safety comes first.
First, separate the problem from the pattern
Most couples who feel stuck are not dealing with one problem but with a pattern around it. Gottman's research distinguishes solvable problems (a specific issue with a workable compromise) from perpetual ones (lasting differences in personality or needs). He found most recurring conflicts are perpetual, and that many couples live well with them. So 'we still disagree about this' isn't, by itself, evidence that it's unfixable.
Emotionally Focused Therapy, developed by Sue Johnson, makes a related point: the negative cycle between partners is often the real problem, and it can change even when the underlying difference doesn't.
Signs it may be changeable
- There's still some fondness, respect or humour, even on hard days.
- Repair attempts sometimes land: an apology, a joke, a hand reached out.
- You can describe what keeps happening between you, not just what's wrong with them.
- The distance or conflict started around something identifiable (a move, a baby, a job, an illness) rather than always having been there.
- At least one of you still wants to try, and the other isn't refusing outright.
Signs it may be more fundamental
These are signs to take seriously, not verdicts. Many couples see some of them and still find a way through.
- Contempt (mockery, disgust, superiority) has largely replaced affection. Gottman identified contempt as one of the patterns most strongly linked to couples separating.
- The core issue is a genuine dealbreaker for one of you: children or not, faithfulness, where and how to live, a value that can't be compromised.
- One partner has clearly decided they don't want to try.
- Nothing has changed after sustained, real effort from both of you, ideally with professional support.
When it isn't a fixability question
If you feel afraid of your partner, are being threatened, monitored, cut off from money, friends or family, or physically hurt, that is not a relationship problem to work on together. Couple exercises can make that kind of situation more dangerous. Confidential support lines can help you think through options safely.
How to find out, gently
You don't need to decide everything at once. A practical approach is to understand what's still strong and what's strained, try one small, specific change, and see whether anything moves. Over a couple of weeks, that gives you evidence rather than a feeling.
There is some research support for structured approaches like this. In a large randomised trial, Doss and colleagues (2020) found that brief online programs with light coach support improved relationship functioning for distressed couples. That doesn't mean any program will work for every couple, but it does suggest structure helps.
ELOVIYA won't tell you whether to stay or leave. It helps you see which areas appear changeable and which appear more fundamental, so the decision stays yours and is better informed.
Words you could use
“I don't want to keep guessing about us. Can we each say one thing that still feels good, and one thing that doesn't?”
“I'm not asking for a decision. I'd like us to try one small thing for two weeks and then talk about whether anything changed.”
Find your own pattern
See what's holding and what's strained in your relationship, privately.
A free 3-minute check-in. Your answers stay on your device unless you choose to save them. You get a Map of what appears strong and what may deserve attention, and one small thing to try tonight with the exact words to say.
Questions
How do you know when a relationship can't be saved?
No single sign settles it. Contempt replacing affection, a genuine dealbreaker difference, or one partner no longer wanting to try are serious signs. Disagreements, distance or a faded spark on their own usually are not. If you feel unsafe, prioritise safety over the question of saving it.
Should we try couples therapy?
If both of you are willing, a qualified couples therapist can help a great deal, especially with entrenched patterns. ELOVIYA is evidence-informed self-help, not therapy, and will point you to professional support where that fits better.
Can a relationship improve if only one person works on it?
Often, partly. Because each partner's behaviour shapes the other's, one person changing their side of a pattern can shift it. It can't replace the other person's willingness on issues that need both of you.
Will ELOVIYA tell me whether to leave?
No. ELOVIYA never makes that decision for you and never labels you or your partner. It helps you understand what may be changeable, and what appears more fundamental.
Sources
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown. Perpetual versus solvable problems; softened start-up; turning towards.
- Gottman, J. M. (1994). What Predicts Divorce? The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes. Lawrence Erlbaum. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling; physiological flooding during conflict.
- Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection (2nd ed.). Brunner-Routledge. Negative interaction cycles such as pursue–withdraw; the cycle, not the partner, as the problem.
- Doss, B. D., Knopp, K., Roddy, M. K., Rothman, K., Hatch, S. G., & Rhoades, G. K. (2020). Online programs improve relationship functioning for distressed low-income couples: Results from a nationwide randomized controlled trial. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 88(4), 283–294. Brief, structured online programs with light coach support improved relationship functioning for distressed couples.
ELOVIYA is evidence-informed self-help, not therapy or medical care, and doesn't diagnose anyone. If you are in danger, contact local emergency services or a support line.