Different sex drives in a relationship: what helps with a mismatch

How common this is

In Britain's third national survey of sexual attitudes (Mitchell and colleagues, 2013), 23 per cent of men and 27 per cent of women in a sexual relationship over the past year reported an imbalance between partners in their level of interest in sex. That's a British figure, and we haven't found an equivalent for India, so read it as a sign of how common this can be rather than a local number. Where sex is hard to talk about at all, it's easy to assume you're the only ones.

It can matter, which is why it's worth addressing. In a study of 1,054 married couples, Brian Willoughby and colleagues (2014) found a bigger gap between how often someone wanted sex and how often it happened was generally linked to lower satisfaction and stability and to more conflict. That's an average, and it doesn't describe every couple. Plenty of couples with a real difference have found a way of living with it that suits them both.

It also isn't fixed by gender. In any pairing, either partner may want more or less, and the positions can swap over the years.

Nobody here is the broken one

The words 'high drive' and 'low drive' can quickly become 'normal' and 'problem', often in both directions. The person who wants more may hear themselves as demanding. The person who wants less may hear themselves as cold. Many couples end up in a loop: one person reaches, the other declines or goes along without much heart; the first feels rejected and either pushes or gives up; the second starts to feel pressured and avoids anything that might be read as an invitation. Hugs and cuddling go first. Then both feel more alone.

It's the loop that tends to do the damage, more than the number. Both people in it are usually hurting, and both may feel unwanted in different ways.

Consent comes before everything else on this page

Wanting a sexual relationship is a legitimate wish, and so is not wanting sex at any given time. You don't owe sex to anyone, and being married or long-partnered doesn't change that. A no doesn't need a reason, and it can be said at any point. Nothing below is a way of persuading someone. It's also not something to do for someone who's been made to feel they have no choice.

Research points the same way. Emily Impett, Anne Peplau and Shelly Gable (2005) found that having sex for approach reasons, such as closeness or pleasure, was linked to better personal and relationship well-being, while having sex to avoid something, such as a partner's anger or a row, was linked to worse. Going along out of fear or duty isn't a solution to a mismatch. Often it makes desire harder to find.

If you're pressured, sulked at, threatened or forced, this isn't a desire mismatch. Support is available, and it's confidential.

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Rule out the medical and the obvious

Before reading a change in desire as a message about the relationship, it's worth considering the body. The UK's NHS lists these among the possible causes of low sex drive:

• Stress, anxiety, or low mood and depression.
• Medicines, including some for blood pressure and antidepressants, and hormonal contraception.
• Pregnancy and caring for a new baby, and falling hormone levels with age, particularly around menopause.
• Long-term conditions such as diabetes, heart disease and an underactive thyroid, as well as cancer.
• Drinking a lot of alcohol, and sexual problems such as vaginal dryness or difficulty with erections.
• Difficulties in the relationship itself.

Who to see, if you'd like help

Seeing a doctor is a reasonable first step, particularly if something changed suddenly, sex is painful, or you've started a new medicine. Depending on the situation that might be your family doctor, a gynaecologist, a urologist or a psychiatrist. Don't stop a medicine on your own; ask about alternatives. A qualified sex therapist or couples counsellor can help with the pattern between you. It's an ordinary subject for them, however hard it may be to say out loud the first time.

How to find a counsellor or therapist →

Two kinds of desire

Rosemary Basson (2000), writing about women's sexual response, proposed that desire doesn't always come first. It's often responsive: it may appear after closeness or arousal has begun, rather than before. Her model was about women specifically, but the idea can be useful for anyone to think with.

This can reframe the mismatch. Someone who rarely feels spontaneous desire is not necessarily uninterested. They may respond to very different conditions: rest, feeling looked after, the load being shared, time to shift out of work or parent mode. It's also not a reason to press on past someone's no. It only means 'what would make this more appealing?' may be a better question than 'why don't you want me?'.

Attentiveness also seems to help. Amy Muise and colleagues (2013) found people more motivated to be responsive to a partner's sexual needs appeared to sustain higher desire over time. It's a small study, and it's about willingness and care, freely given, and not about obligation.

What to try

• Talk at another time. Not in bed, and not just after a no. A walk or a drive tends to go better.
• Each say what sex means to you. For one of you it may be how you feel loved. For the other it may be one more demand at the end of a long day. Those are different conversations to the one about frequency.
• Make affection safe again. Agree that touching, hugging or lying together doesn't need to lead anywhere. For many couples this brings back more warmth than anything else on this list.
• Make no easy to say. Agree a kind way of declining, and a way of hearing it. 'Not tonight, but come here' is very different from silence and a turned back.
• Look at the load. If one person is exhausted by the house, children or caring for parents, more sharing of that may do more than any advice on intimacy.
• Plan time, if you both want to. Some couples find scheduled time takes the pressure off guessing. It should stay an invitation. Either of you can still decline.

Words you could use