Old hurt
How to forgive your partner, and whether you have to
8 min read · Updated · By the ELOVIYA team
To forgive your partner, you usually need to look squarely at what happened, feel what it cost you, and slowly let go of wanting them to pay for it. Forgiving doesn't mean excusing it, forgetting it or trusting them again, and you are not obliged to do it. Research suggests it tends to come more easily, and sit better with self-respect, when the other person has acknowledged the harm and made amends.
What forgiving is not
Most of the resistance people feel to forgiving is really resistance to something it gets confused with. It may help to pull these apart.
- It isn't excusing. Excusing says 'it wasn't that bad'. Forgiving says 'it was bad, and I'm putting down what I've been carrying about it'.
- It isn't forgetting. You can forgive and still remember, and still have a bad afternoon when something reminds you.
- It isn't reconciling. You can forgive someone and not stay with them. You can also stay with someone you haven't forgiven, as many people do for a time.
- It isn't trusting again. Forgiveness is about the past. Trust is a forecast about the future, and it needs its own evidence.
- It isn't a duty. Parents, elders, friends or your own faith may tell you to forgive and adjust. You can take that seriously and still decide in your own time.
Fast forgiveness and real forgiveness
Here is a common scene. Something hurtful comes out. There's a terrible week. Then a tearful apology, and you say 'it's okay, it's over'. You mean it, or you badly want to. Six months later you're slamming cupboards over the wrong brand of tea, and neither of you knows why.
That first 'it's okay' may have been relief, or a wish to stop the fight, rather than forgiveness. It isn't dishonest, but the hurt hasn't gone anywhere. Two signs you may be in this place: you get angry when reminded, and you feel you aren't allowed to mention it any more. Noticing that doesn't undo anything. It only tells you there's more to say.
What research suggests about how it happens
A large review by Ryan Fehr, Michele Gelfand and Monisha Nag (2010), covering 175 studies, found forgiveness was linked to apology and to feeling empathy for the other person, and linked in the other direction to believing the harm was intentional and to staying angry. These are associations rather than instructions. They do suggest forgiveness may be easier when it's built on something, rather than summoned by effort alone.
Frank Fincham, Steven Beach and Joanne Davila (2004) studied forgiveness in married couples and looked at separate strands: wanting to retaliate, wanting to avoid, and feeling goodwill. Retaliation and avoidance were linked to poorer resolution of conflict and goodwill to better, though the patterns differed between husbands and wives. A useful thing to take from this: forgiveness isn't one switch. You might stop wanting to get even long before warmth comes back.
When forgiving may cost you
Forgiveness is often presented as good for everybody. The research is more mixed. Laura Luchies and colleagues (2010) found that forgiving appeared to support self-respect when the other person had made amends or showed you'd be safe and valued, and appeared to erode it when they hadn't. They called this the doormat effect.
James McNulty (2011) followed newlyweds for four years. Among spouses who said they tended to forgive, their partners' psychological and physical aggression held steady. Among those who were less forgiving, it fell over time. McNulty suggested that forgiving may remove consequences that would otherwise discourage the behaviour. This does not make aggression the fault of the person who forgave. It does mean nobody should be told that forgiving will make harm stop.
So a fair question before forgiving is: has it stopped, and does the other person know what it was? If either answer is no, holding off isn't bitterness. It may be good sense.
If you do want to forgive, a way to go about it
- Write down exactly what happened and what it cost you, for your eyes only. Be specific: not 'you lied', but 'I told my mother we were fine while you knew we weren't'.
- Say it once, in full, at a calm time. Many people find they can't let go of something that was never properly heard.
- Ask for what you actually need: an acknowledgement, a change, an answer. Say whether you've had it.
- When you're ready, try to understand what was going on for them. This isn't to excuse it. Empathy is linked with forgiveness, but it needs to come after you've been heard, not instead.
- Notice what you're still holding on to. Is it wanting them to suffer? Wanting them to understand? They need different things.
- Expect it to come in layers. It's normal to feel you've forgiven something, and then find it back on a hard day.
Words you could use
“I'm not ready to say it's okay, and I don't want to say it just to end this. Can you give me some more time?”
“I'd like you to know exactly what that was like for me. You don't need to fix it tonight. I need you to hear it.”
“I've forgiven you for what happened. That doesn't mean I've stopped needing the things we agreed.”
“I may never feel fine about that. I'm not holding it against you any more, and I wanted you to know.”
If you're the one asking to be forgiven
You can ask, once. You can't require it. Pressing someone to forgive you, however gently, usually tells them your comfort comes first. It tends to go better to describe what you did in plain words, without 'but', and then to keep doing the things that make it less likely to happen again. An old hurt may need a longer conversation than one apology can hold.
Find your own pattern
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Questions
Do I have to forgive my partner?
No. Forgiveness is a choice, and it isn't a condition of being a good person or a good spouse. Some people forgive and leave, some stay without fully forgiving, and some find it comes much later. If someone is pressing you to forgive, it's fair to say you need more time.
How do I forgive my partner for cheating?
It usually helps to separate three things: knowing what happened, whether it has stopped, and whether you want the relationship to go on. Forgiving may come after those, or not at all. A couples therapist can help, and small studies of therapy after affairs report greater forgiveness among injured partners.
Why can't I let go of something from years ago?
Often because it was never fully heard, acknowledged or repaired, so part of you is still waiting. It may help to say it specifically, once, to the person involved, if it's safe to. Time alone doesn't necessarily do it.
Can you forgive and still feel angry?
Yes. Anger can come back after you've forgiven someone, especially when something reminds you. Many people treat forgiving as something they go on choosing rather than one moment. Occasional anger doesn't mean your forgiveness was fake.
Sources
- Fehr, R., Gelfand, M. J., & Nag, M. (2010). The road to forgiveness: A meta-analytic synthesis of its situational and dispositional correlates. Psychological Bulletin, 136(5), 894–914. Across 175 studies, forgiveness was linked to empathy and apology, and negatively to perceived intent to harm and to anger.
- Fincham, F. D., Beach, S. R. H., & Davila, J. (2004). Forgiveness and conflict resolution in marriage. Journal of Family Psychology, 18(1), 72–81. Retaliatory motives and avoidance were linked to poorer conflict resolution, and goodwill to better, with patterns differing between husbands and wives.
- Luchies, L. B., Finkel, E. J., McNulty, J. K., & Kumashiro, M. (2010). The doormat effect: When forgiving erodes self-respect and self-concept clarity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(5), 734–749. Forgiving appeared to support self-respect when the other person had made amends or signalled safety and value, and to diminish it when they had not.
- McNulty, J. K. (2011). The dark side of forgiveness: The tendency to forgive predicts continued psychological and physical aggression in marriage. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(6), 770–783. In newlyweds followed for four years, partners of more forgiving spouses showed stable aggression; partners of less forgiving spouses showed declines.
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