Fighting about money in a relationship: how to talk about it instead

Why money fights keep coming back

If you feel you've had this exact fight a dozen times, you may be right. Lauren Papp and colleagues asked 100 US married couples to keep diaries of their conflicts at home. Money wasn't the most common topic; children were. But compared with other topics, money conflicts were more likely to recur, were rated as more important to the relationship, and more often ended with the discussion carried over to another day, even though couples were making real efforts to problem-solve.

It's not a small thing. Using a large US survey, Jeffrey Dew, Sonya Britt and Sandra Huston found that disagreements about money predicted later divorce more strongly than other types of disagreement did. This is an association in American couples, and it says nothing about what will happen to you. It does suggest that money fights are worth attending to, rather than being written off as 'just about money'.

What are you actually arguing about?

Couples often argue about the number when the real disagreement is one level down. Trying to solve a fairness problem with a spreadsheet tends to frustrate everyone. Try reading these and notice which one catches.

• Security: 'If we don't save this, something bad will happen.' Often one partner grew up with money trouble, and the other with money being spent as soon as it came.
• Fairness: 'I earn less, or I stopped working for the children, so do I count equally?'
• Loyalty: 'When you send money home, are they ahead of us? When I question it, am I attacking your family?'
• Autonomy: 'I earn this. Why do I need to explain a shirt?'
• Trust: 'I found out about the loan from someone else.'
• Status: 'What will your relatives think if we give less at this wedding?'

When money runs through the wider family

In many Indian households, money isn't a two-person matter. A son or daughter may be supporting parents as a matter of love and duty, and in some circumstances, India's Maintenance and Welfare of Parents and Senior Citizens Act, 2007 also makes it a legal obligation. Then there are siblings' education, a parent's hospital bills, a family home loan, a brother's business, a wedding three cousins away. Saying 'stop sending money to your parents' rarely lands as a budgeting suggestion, as it may sound like 'stop being a good son' or 'stop being a good daughter'.

At the same time, the partner asking the question often isn't asking for the support to stop. They may be asking to know the amount, to have a say, and to feel that the two of you are a unit. Supporting parents and being transparent with your partner aren't in competition, and a lot of fights ease when they stop being treated as if they were.

Here's a common version. One partner has been sending ₹20,000 a month to their parents, and it's now gone up without discussion because of a medical bill. The other finds out from a bank message. The argument that follows sounds like it's about the parents, but what hurts may be finding out last. A workable conversation might separate the two: 'Of course your father's treatment matters. I'm upset that I found out from an SMS. Can we look at the whole picture together, and agree how we handle the next surprise?'

A way of setting things up that may lower the heat

There's no single right system, and research doesn't hand you one. Joint accounts suit some couples, and separate accounts suit others. In some homes one person, or a parent-in-law, manages everything. What seems to reduce recurring fights is that both people can see the picture and both agreed to the rules. Some things to try deciding together:

• Everyone sees everything. Both of you know income, debts, EMIs, insurance, investments and what goes to family, whether or not accounts are joint.
• Three pots. Decide what is 'ours' (home, children, savings), what is 'mine' and 'yours' with no explanation needed, and what is 'family' (parents, siblings, festivals, weddings).
• A no-questions limit. Agree an amount either of you can spend without checking. Above that, you talk first. The figure matters less than having one.
• A rule for family emergencies. Decide in advance how you'll handle an urgent request: 'If it's medical, send it and tell me the same day.'
• A fair way of counting unpaid work. If one partner earns less or is at home with children, make sure they have their own money and equal say, not an allowance they must justify.

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The twenty-minute money talk

Fights about money often start at the worst moment: when a bill arrives, at the end of the month or right after someone's mother phones. It helps to move the conversation to a set time, say the first Sunday of the month for twenty minutes, with tea and no phones. Look at the numbers first, then discuss one decision only. If you start to feel flooded, stop and come back. It may also help to end with something you're both looking forward to, however small, so that money isn't only ever about what you can't do.

When it isn't a money argument at all

Everything above assumes two people with an equal right to the money. That's not always the case. If you're made to hand over your salary, kept from your own bank account or ATM card, stopped from working, given no information about household money, made to ask for basic necessities, or if you or your family face repeated demands for money or dowry, this is not a communication problem. It may be control. In India, the Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act, 2005 includes economic abuse within its definition of domestic violence, and depriving someone of financial resources they're entitled to can be part of that. Abuse through money can happen to anyone, and a legal professional or support service can tell you what applies in your situation.

If this sounds familiar, or if you feel afraid of how your partner might respond, please don't use the scripts on this page to raise it. Start with confidential support, and think about what you may need to keep safe, such as copies of documents and access to some money of your own.

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