Constant arguing
How to stop fighting with your partner
7 min read · Updated · By the ELOVIYA team
To stop fighting with your partner, aim to change how disagreements go rather than to end them, because most couples keep disagreeing about something. It often helps to raise issues without blame, stop for at least twenty minutes when either of you is overwhelmed, return at an agreed time, and look at the argument as a neutral observer would. These steps assume you both feel safe. If you feel afraid of your partner, this advice doesn't fit, and support comes first.
Stopping the fight is not the same as stopping the disagreement
If the goal is never to disagree, you will probably fail and then conclude something is wrong with the two of you. John Gottman's work with couples suggests that many recurring conflicts come from lasting differences in personality or needs, and that couples who did well still had them. What they appeared to do differently was talk about those differences without things escalating.
So it helps to separate two things. A disagreement is two people wanting different things. A fight is what happens when the disagreement turns into a threat: voices rise, old cases are reopened, and each of you stops trying to understand and starts trying to get through. You can keep the first and lose a lot of the second.
What the turn usually looks like
It's 9.40 at night. One of you asks, 'Did you call the plumber?' The other hears 'You forgot again' and says, 'I've had a twelve-hour day.' The first hears 'Your problem doesn't matter' and says, 'You always have a twelve-hour day.' Within a minute and a half, nobody is talking about the plumber.
Notice how early that went wrong, and how small the moves were. Most fights have a recognisable turn like this one. Learning your own version is more useful than any general rule, because the turn is the last easy place to get off.
- A word like 'always' or 'never' appears.
- One of you starts answering a complaint with a complaint of your own.
- Someone brings up an example from last month or last year.
- One of you goes flat, quiet or very polite, while the other gets louder.
- Your heart is pounding and you are composing your next line while they talk.
Four changes that tend to help
Start softer, and be specific. Gottman and colleagues found that how a conflict conversation begins strongly predicted how it unfolded. Compare 'You never do anything around here' with 'I'm tired and I'd like you to take over the plumber and the gas bill this month.' The second is still a complaint. It gives the other person something to agree to.
Agree a pause before you need one. When your body is on alert, listening becomes very hard, and Gottman describes this state as flooding. Decide together that either of you can stop a conversation for at least twenty minutes, on the condition that whoever calls the pause names a time to come back. Then do something that really calms you. Twenty minutes rehearsing your closing argument doesn't count.
Change one move, even if you are the only one trying. Andrew Christensen and colleagues have studied a pattern called demand-withdraw, where one partner presses for change and the other pulls back. In a later review of 74 studies, Paul Schrodt and colleagues linked it to poorer outcomes for couples, with similar results whichever partner was doing the pressing. Because each move feeds the other, it may only take one person doing something different to change how the conversation goes. If you usually press, ask for a set time. If you usually pull back, say what you're doing and when you'll return.
Practise looking from outside. This one is easy to try and has a well-known study behind it. Eli Finkel and colleagues followed 120 married couples in the US for two years. In the second year, half wrote for seven minutes, three times, about their most recent disagreement as a neutral third party who wanted the best for both of them might see it. Their marital quality stopped declining while the other couples' kept falling. The researchers reported that these couples appeared to fight about as often, but were less distressed by it. It's one study, with American married couples, but it asks very little of you.
The seven-minute exercise you can do alone
You don't need your partner's agreement to try this. Pick the last real disagreement. Set a timer for seven minutes and write answers to the questions below. You aren't trying to decide who was right, so resist the urge to build a case.
- If a calm person who cared about both of us had watched that argument, what would they have noticed?
- What might they say each of us was afraid of underneath?
- What would they suggest we try next time, starting with me?
- What might get in the way of seeing it like this during the next argument, and what could help?
Words for the moment it turns
“I can feel this turning into the usual one. Can we stop for twenty minutes and come back at ten?”
“I'm not leaving this. I'm too wound up to hear you properly. I'll come and find you at ten.”
“I said that badly. Let me try again.”
“What do you need from me on this, in one sentence? I'll tell you if I can do it.”
“Can we stick to the plumber tonight, and talk about the other thing on Sunday?”
If the arguments have come back, or never left
Fighting less often may not be the most useful thing to measure at first. Try watching how long it takes the two of you to feel normal again, and whether one of you can say 'I went too far' without it starting a new round. Those often shift before the number of arguments does.
If you're in a stretch where you fight most days, this usually takes longer than one good conversation. Our Repair program is twenty-one days of small evening exercises aimed at interrupting the loop and practising the way back. Either of you can start alone. A trained couples therapist can do things an app can't, particularly when the same hurt keeps resurfacing.
When this advice doesn't apply
Everything above assumes that both of you feel safe. If fights involve threats, things being broken, being blocked from leaving a room, being stopped from seeing people or using money, or any physical harm, this isn't a communication problem and learning to argue better is not the answer. If you feel afraid of your partner, please don't use this page to raise things with them. Your safety comes first, and you can talk to someone confidentially.
Find your own pattern
See what's holding and what's strained in your relationship, privately.
A free 3-minute check-in. Your answers stay on your device unless you choose to save them. You get a Map of what appears strong and what may deserve attention, and one small thing to try tonight with the exact words to say.
Questions
How do I stop fighting with my partner over small things?
Small fights often carry a larger question, such as 'Do I matter to you?' or 'Am I doing all of this alone?'. It can help to ask what the small thing stands for, then raise that directly at a calm moment. Saying 'I've felt alone with the house this month' usually goes further than another round about the bins.
Is it normal to fight every day in a relationship?
There isn't a healthy number. Some couples argue often and recover quickly, while others rarely argue and feel far apart. Daily fighting that leaves you drained or dreading home is worth taking seriously, whatever anyone else's normal is, as it may mean the repair side isn't keeping up.
How can I stop fighting if my partner doesn't want to change?
You can only change your own moves, and sometimes that changes the pattern. You could ask for a set time rather than pressing now, or say when you'll return rather than leaving. This assumes you feel safe. It also won't resolve everything alone, and it's fair to notice if you're the only one trying.
How long should a break during an argument be?
Guidance drawn from Gottman's work usually suggests at least twenty minutes, spent on something calming rather than on replaying the argument. Longer is fine if you need it, as long as you say when you're coming back. A pause with a return time tends to feel very different from walking out.
Sources
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown. Perpetual versus solvable problems; softened start-up; turning towards.
- Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrère, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60(1), 5–22. How a conflict conversation starts predicted how it unfolded.
- Gottman, J. M. (1994). What Predicts Divorce? The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes. Lawrence Erlbaum. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling; physiological flooding during conflict.
- Finkel, E. J., Slotter, E. B., Luchies, L. B., Walton, G. M., & Gross, J. J. (2013). A brief intervention to promote conflict reappraisal preserves marital quality over time. Psychological Science, 24(8), 1595–1601. 120 US married couples; short writing tasks about a recent disagreement from a neutral third party's view were linked to less distress about conflict and a halt in the decline in marital quality.
- Christensen, A., & Heavey, C. L. (1990). Gender and social structure in the demand/withdraw pattern of marital conflict. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59(1), 73–81. Observed couples discussing changes each partner wanted; the demand-withdraw pattern shifted depending on whose requested change was being discussed.
- Schrodt, P., Witt, P. L., & Shimkowski, J. R. (2014). A meta-analytical review of the demand/withdraw pattern of interaction and its associations with individual, relational, and communicative outcomes. Communication Monographs, 81(1), 28–58. Review of 74 studies; demand-withdraw was moderately linked to poorer outcomes, with similar effects whichever partner was demanding.
ELOVIYA is evidence-informed self-help, not therapy or medical care, and doesn't diagnose anyone. If you are in danger, contact local emergency services or a support line.
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