How to communicate better in a relationship

'We need to communicate better' can mean four different things

When someone says this, they may mean very different things, and each has a different fix. Before trying any techniques, it's worth asking which one sounds most like the two of you.

• We don't say what we mean. Hints, sighs and tests go unnoticed, and then there's hurt about them going unnoticed.
• We say it, and it comes out as an attack. The content may be fair, but it's delivered as a verdict.
• I say it, and I don't feel heard. You get advice, a defence or a change of subject.
• We barely talk at all. The day's conversation is school fees, the house help and who is picking up whom.

If you hint: say the thing

A lot of relationship advice says to be gentle, and it often is good advice. But Nickola Overall and James McNulty, reviewing research on communication in conflict, point out that gentler isn't automatically better. Direct communication may help when a serious problem needs addressing and a partner is able to change, although it can backfire when a partner isn't secure enough to respond well. Warmth and validation may suit small or unchangeable problems, but may not be enough on their own for serious ones. Indirect complaints, such as hints or sulking, appear not to do much to bring about change.

In everyday terms: 'Nobody ever helps around here' is an indirect complaint, even when it's said loudly. 'Can you do Sunday's groceries from now on?' is direct, and it's easier to answer. Some of us grew up in homes where a good partner was supposed to just know. That's a lovely idea, and it creates a lot of quiet disappointment. Your partner might simply not know.

If it comes out as an attack: separate direct from harsh

Being direct is not the same as being harsh. Gottman and colleagues found that how a conflict conversation started strongly predicted how it went, and harsh openings tended to lead to harsh endings. A useful test is whether your sentence is about something that happened or about who your partner is.

• Harsh: 'You're so selfish, you never think about anyone else.' Direct: 'You agreed to Saturday with your friends without asking me. I'd like us to check with each other first.'
• Harsh: 'Why are you like this with my parents?' Direct: 'When you stayed in the other room while my parents were here, I felt embarrassed. Could you sit with us for twenty minutes next time?'
• Vague: 'I just want you to be more present.' Direct: 'I'd like the phones away during dinner, even just on weeknights.'

If you don't feel heard: ask what this conversation is for

Harry Reis and colleagues describe responsiveness as being at the centre of closeness: the sense that your partner understands you, validates you and cares about you. Listening is only useful in this sense if the other person ends up feeling those things. Good advice given at the wrong moment may have the opposite effect.

Much of this comes down to one question, asked near the start: 'Do you want help solving this, or do you just need me to listen?' Then try saying back what you heard before you add anything of your own. It doesn't need to be an elaborate technique. 'So it wasn't really the deadline, it's that he said it in front of everyone?' may be enough. If you've got it wrong, they'll correct you, and the correction is often the most useful part of the conversation.

You can ask for this as well as offer it. Telling your partner 'I don't need a fix, I just want you to know how today was' is a small act of communication that saves a lot of trouble.

If you barely talk: start outside the hard topics

People often try to fix communication by scheduling the Big Talk. But conversation in hard moments seems to depend on what happens in ordinary ones. Driver and Gottman, who observed newlywed couples in everyday interaction, found that turning towards each other's small bids for attention in daily life was linked to more positive feeling during conflict. So 'look at this ridiculous message from my boss' may be part of your conflict skills too.

Try ten minutes a day with no logistics allowed, for one week. Ask a question that you can't already answer: 'What was the best part of today?' or 'Is anything on your mind that I don't know about?' It will probably feel awkward at first, particularly after years of talking only about the household. That's expected.

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When 'communication' isn't really the problem

Sometimes you communicate perfectly clearly, you each understand the other, and you still disagree: about having children, where to live or how much to give your family. Better communication may make that conversation kinder without making it go away. It's worth naming honestly rather than endlessly trying to find better words.

And sometimes it isn't safe to speak. If being honest leads to threats, punishment or fear, the problem isn't your phrasing, and nothing on this page is meant for that situation. You aren't failing at communication. Please don't use these scripts to raise things with a partner you're afraid of. Start with someone outside the relationship instead.

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