No emotional connection in an arranged marriage: building closeness after the wedding

An honest starting point, not a failure

Eight months in, you know how your husband takes his tea and which uncle he avoids. You don't know what he's afraid of. He's decent, you've had no big fights, and the families are pleased. And you lie awake wondering whether this is all it's going to be, then feel guilty for wondering, because nothing is wrong. Or you're the husband, wondering the same about your wife, and there's nobody you could possibly say this to.

Arranged marriage reverses the order many films assume. You committed first, and the getting-to-know-you happens afterwards, often in a full house and under the eye of relatives. Comparing that with someone else's love story, or someone's Instagram, is comparing different stages. Plenty of people in arranged marriages feel close, and this guide takes no position that one way of marrying is better.

What the studies say, and how far to trust them

Evidence here is thin and worth reading carefully. Epstein, Pandit and Thakar (2013) studied people in arranged marriages whose love had grown. In their two studies, of 30 and 22 people, participants rated their love on a 10-point scale at an average of 3.9 and 5.1 at the wedding, and 8.5 and 9.2 when asked, many years later. In the second study, all 18 who answered the question said it grew gradually, not suddenly. Most lived outside India, some marriages were arranged through a church rather than families, and the early ratings were memories, not measurements.

The limit matters. The study only included people whose love had grown, and the authors warn that volunteers may be unusual. They say plainly that not all arranged marriages succeed, that some are abusive or coercive, and they estimate that love emerges in perhaps half. So this shows that love can grow, not that it will.

Comparisons are mixed and small. Regan and colleagues (2012) found no difference in love, satisfaction or commitment between arranged and love marriages among 58 Indian adults in the US. Myers and colleagues (2005) found no difference in satisfaction between 45 people in arranged marriages in India and US data on marriages of choice. We wouldn't lean hard on either, and neither supports claims that one kind of marriage is happier.

Not yet, stuck, or not safe

These three can feel similar from the inside, and they need different things:

• Not yet: you get along, you're curious about each other, you've just had little private time or practice. Small regular moments are likely to help.
• Stuck: you've tried, one of you shuts down, or old hurt is sitting under the politeness. A counsellor may help you find out what's in the way.
• Not safe: you were pressured into the marriage, you're afraid, your movements or money are controlled, or you're pushed into sex you don't want. Closeness exercises aren't the right tool here. Please look at our safety page, which lists free, confidential lines.

Free, confidential support lines →

What people say actually helped

In Epstein's first study, the factors people mentioned most were commitment and communication, followed by things like a partner adjusting for them, physical intimacy and parenting. In the second, 'seeing your spouse make sacrifices for you' and 'expressing strong commitment for each other' were rated highest. Several people said they had built love on purpose, which may be the most useful thing in the paper. It suggests you don't have to wait to feel something first.

Separately, Aron and colleagues (1997) found that strangers who took turns answering gradually more personal questions felt closer than pairs making small talk. That was a lab study of temporary closeness, not of marriage, and it isn't a recipe for love. It does suggest why the shift from 'What's for dinner?' to 'What were you like at fourteen?' can feel so different.

• Find ten private minutes a day. In a joint home that may be a walk, the terrace or the drive to work. Protect it the way you'd protect a work call.
• Ask one real question a night and answer it yourself. Go at the pace of whoever is more nervous, and let either of you pass.
• Notice the small kindness and say so. 'You remembered I had that meeting' takes four seconds and tells them it counted.
• Do something new together that has nothing to do with family duties. A different chai stall counts.
• Be patient about physical closeness. Affection and sex are easier when neither of you feels pressure, and either of you can say not tonight. If this part has become hard to talk about, a qualified therapist can help.

Reconnect: fourteen evenings of small moments →

Words for when you don't know how to begin

The first sentence is often the hardest, because neither of you has had practice. It's fine to say that it's awkward. Saying so tends to reduce the awkwardness.

If only one of you is trying

One person can often start. Asking one real question, thanking someone properly and listening without fixing all change what the other person has to respond to. They may be just as unsure and just as polite as you are. Give it a fair stretch of weeks rather than a couple of evenings, because a partner who's never done this may need time to believe it's safe.

If months pass and you still feel alone, that's worth taking seriously. Individual counselling can give you somewhere to think it through, without anyone having to decide anything yet.

Do we need couples therapy, or can we fix this ourselves? →