Do we need couples therapy, or can we fix this ourselves?

A quick way to tell

Two couples can describe the same problem and need different things. Say both feel distant and both fight about his late nights. In the first, they're tired, they still laugh sometimes, and a fight blows over by morning with an awkward apology. In the second, the fight has been the same for four years, she has stopped raising it, he sleeps in the other room, and neither can remember the last real apology. The first may well do fine with a structured try on their own. The second has probably already had that try.

So instead of asking how bad it is, it may help to ask how stuck it is. When you bring something up, can it be discussed and left, or does it always end in the same place? Do attempts to repair land? Has anything shifted in the past few months when you've tried?

When trying it yourselves is a fair first step

If you try, give it a limit, such as four to six weeks, and decide in advance what would count as movement. Otherwise 'working on it' can drift on for years. Also watch for the moment it becomes homework that one person assigns the other. That usually means the exercise has become part of the argument.

• Neither of you is afraid of the other.
• The drift or the arguments are fairly recent, or linked to something like a new baby, a move or a stressful job.
• You can still have a calm conversation most of the time, and repairs mostly work.
• At least one of you has energy to try something different, and you can set a time limit.
• Cost or privacy makes therapy hard right now, and something small is better than nothing.

Is my relationship problem fixable? →

When therapy is clearly the better step

The research here is reasonably encouraging. A meta-analysis by Roddy and colleagues (2020), pooling studies of 2,092 opposite-sex couples, found that relationship satisfaction improved substantially with couple therapy, that waitlisted couples didn't significantly improve, and that gains generally lasted through follow-up. Couples who started more distressed tended to gain more. That's an average, not a promise for you, and it doesn't include same-sex couples. It does suggest that waiting until things are terrible isn't necessary, and that being in a bad place doesn't rule out benefit.

• A betrayal, such as an affair, keeps coming back however you talk about it.
• The same fight has run for a long time and you can predict every line.
• One of you shuts down or leaves, and you can't get back to the conversation afterwards.
• Low mood, worry, trauma, or alcohol or other substance use is part of the picture. A clinician may need to look at this first.
• You've tried for months and nothing has moved.
• You've been stuck on a big decision about the relationship and keep going round in circles.
• There are sexual difficulties you can't talk about, or that have a possible medical side.

Marriage counselling in India: cost and how to choose →

What self-help, including ELOVIYA, can't do

We make a self-help product, so you should weigh what we say here with that in mind. A structured program may help you notice a pattern, find words and practise small habits. Here's what it can't do:

• It can't hear both of you and notice what you each miss about yourselves.
• It can't interrupt a fight as it happens or slow you down in the moment.
• It can't assess depression, trauma, addiction or risk, or treat any of them.
• It can't reliably spot danger. ELOVIYA pauses exercises if you tell it you feel unsafe, but no app can catch every risk.
• It can't hold you to anything. Paying once and doing three evenings is easy, and nobody will ask why you stopped.

How strong is the evidence for self-help?

Mixed, and it depends on the format. In a US trial, Doss and colleagues (2020) found that brief online programs improved relationship functioning for distressed low-income couples. Both partners took part and had coach support. ELOVIYA works differently: one person can start, there's no partner feature yet, and there are no human coaches. So that result doesn't transfer automatically to us or to most apps. We have no published trial of ELOVIYA to point you to.

Therapy isn't the only other option, and it isn't one-size-fits-all. A poor match can waste money and leave you feeling worse, so it's fine to change therapist. And doing both is common: some people use a program between sessions, or use it to work out what they want to say to a therapist.

Repair: what the 21 evenings cover →

If your partner won't go

Refusal is common and may not mean what it seems. A partner may fear being blamed, may have grown up believing family matters stay inside the house, or may worry about cost or being seen. Inviting them to try one session, for your sake, often lands better than saying that they need fixing. If they still say no, you can go alone.

Individual therapy can help you understand your own part in the pattern, look after your own mental health, and decide what you want. It has limits worth knowing. Gurman and Burton (2014) point out that many people take couple problems to individual therapy, and they raise concerns that a therapist who hears only one side may misread the pattern, or may reinforce a negative view of the absent partner. So it's reasonable to look for someone with couples training, and to say at the start that you want help with the relationship as well as with yourself.

The safety exception

If there's violence or threats, or you're afraid of your partner, couples therapy is often not advised, and many therapists suggest individual support first. The reasons are practical. You may not be able to speak freely with your partner in the room, what you say may be used against you afterwards, and framing it as a relationship problem can suggest you share responsibility for being harmed. The US National Domestic Violence Hotline puts it plainly: it does not encourage people in abusive relationships to seek counselling with their partner.

Research is more nuanced but not reassuring. A review by Karakurt and colleagues (2016) concluded from preliminary data that couples therapy is viable in select situations, which is a long way from a general recommendation. Working out whether yours is one of them needs a clinician who assesses safety carefully, and it isn't a judgement you need to make alone. A domestic-abuse line can help you think it through, and self-help exercises aren't the right tool here either. If you're worried about your own behaviour, support exists for that too.

Free, confidential support lines →