Can one person save a relationship? What one person can and can't do

The honest answer, in two halves

ELOVIYA is built so that one of you can start, so we have an interest in this question. That's a good reason to be straight about it. One person can begin something, and sometimes that's what gets a stuck relationship moving. One person can't do the whole of it, and any product or person telling you otherwise is promising more than the evidence supports.

If you're reading this, you're probably the one who has noticed the problem, read the articles, and is wondering whether you can do enough for both of you. That's a generous impulse. It's also worth checking it isn't costing you too much.

What one person can actually change

A relationship is partly a system of responses: each move makes certain replies more likely. Johnson's work on interaction cycles and the research on demand/withdraw both describe loops in which one person's action prompts the other's. A loop needs both moves to keep running, so changing yours changes what's happening. It doesn't decide what your partner does next.

Caryl Rusbult and colleagues studied something they called accommodation: when a partner does something potentially destructive, holding back the urge to hit back and responding constructively instead. They found it linked to greater satisfaction and commitment. Notably, couples functioned better when both tended to do it, so one person can contribute to this but not complete it.

• How you start hard conversations. Gottman and colleagues found the opening strongly predicted how a discussion went. That part is entirely yours.
• How you respond when provoked. Not swallowing everything, but pausing rather than matching the tone.
• How you respond to small moments. Turning towards your partner's bids and their good news needs no agreement from them.
• How you see the fight. Finkel and colleagues found that three short writing exercises, viewing disagreements as a neutral observer who wants the best for everyone, were followed by no further decline in marital quality over a year. In that study whole couples took part, so it doesn't show what one person writing alone would achieve, but the exercise itself is private and needs no permission.
• What you say out loud. Naming the pattern, asking for what you want, and telling your partner the truth about how it's going.

What the research on going alone actually says

There's less evidence here than you might expect, and what exists is sobering. Nowlan, Roddy and Doss ran a pilot trial of an online program for people in distressed relationships whose partner wasn't taking part. Compared with a waiting list, participants improved in quality of life, work functioning and perceived health. They didn't show significant improvements in relationship functioning. The authors also note that in-person help given to only one partner has generally not been very effective for relationship distress.

By contrast, a nationwide randomised trial by Doss and colleagues found that brief online programs improved relationship functioning for distressed low-income couples, but there both partners took part, with coach support.

So what can honestly be said? It was one pilot trial, of one program, and it doesn't prove that nothing changes when one person acts. It's reasonable to think that a shift in your behaviour may lead to a shift in the relationship. But it isn't reliably shown, and it may be that you end up feeling better without the relationship improving. That's not nothing. It's just not the same thing, and you deserve to know the difference before you start.

What one person can't do

• Make someone want to be close. You can make it easier for them. You can't supply the wanting.
• Rebuild trust alone after a betrayal. If they broke it, they have to take part in the repair. If you did, you can show up reliably, but you can't decide when they feel safe.
• Share a load single-handedly. Being more efficient at carrying everything isn't the same as it being shared.
• Agree something for both of you. Children, money, where you live: a decision needs two people, or it's simply one person's decision.
• Stop harm by behaving better. If your partner frightens or controls you, that isn't something you caused, and it isn't something you can fix through your own effort.

When 'adjusting' stops being a strategy

Many people in India have been told, often lovingly and often by their own mothers: adjust a little, everything will settle. Sometimes that's wisdom. Most long relationships do involve letting a lot of things go. But there's a difference between choosing to respond better and quietly disappearing, and it can be hard to see from inside a family where one person's adjustment keeps everyone comfortable.

Rusbult's accommodation isn't about absorbing whatever happens. It's about not making a bad moment worse, in a relationship where the other person is also trying. A few questions can help you tell the two apart:

• Are you changing how you raise things, or have you stopped raising them?
• Do you feel steadier and more like yourself, or smaller and more careful?
• Does your partner know what you're trying to do, or is it a secret project?
• If you stopped tomorrow, would anything hold up?

A fair way to try it

Rather than trying indefinitely, set a limited experiment, so that it can give you real information.

• Pick one or two changes, not ten. For example: no criticism in the first minute of a hard conversation, and one properly answered bid each day.
• Give it about six to eight weeks. That's our suggestion for a reasonable try, not a research-based number. Keep going through a bad week or two.
• Note what happens, in a sentence or two, each week. Memory tends to be unkind when you're tired.
• Look for movement rather than transformation. Do they start a conversation? Soften more quickly? Ask how you are? Say something real?
• Then say it out loud, whatever you've found. Up to this point you've been working alone. The next step is an invitation.

Words for inviting your partner in

How you'll know you've reached the limit

There's no score for this, and we won't tell you whether to stay or go. That's your decision, with information only you have. But it may be time to get more support, whether from a couples counsellor if your partner will come, or an individual one if they won't, when several of these are true: you've made real changes for a good while and nothing has moved; you've asked clearly and your partner has said no, or said nothing; you're feeling worse about yourself, not better; or you've started hiding how bad it is from people who care about you.

Asking for help when you've reached that point isn't the same as giving up on the relationship. It may be the most useful next step you can take for it, and for yourself.

Who to see, and how to check their credentials →

If you're afraid of your partner

Everything above is for couples where both people feel safe. If your partner threatens you, hurts you, controls your money, your phone or who you see, or if you're trying to behave perfectly so as to avoid what happens otherwise, this isn't a problem one person can solve by trying harder, and we'd ask you not to attempt it. Trying to change things or raising the issue can sometimes increase risk, so please talk to a support service first.

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