What questions should couples ask each other in a check-in?

Start with questions about experience rather than performance, such as when you felt closest, what felt heavy, and what's one small thing that would help this month. Three or four is enough. Choose from different groups over time so that you aren't always talking about the same area.

How often should couples do a relationship check-in?

Monthly suits many couples, as it's frequent enough to catch small things and rare enough to keep up. The Gottman Institute suggests weekly, and research on therapist-led checkups was annual. We don't know of research comparing intervals, so pick the one you'll actually keep.

What if a check-in turns into a fight?

End it. Say you're stopping because you want to do this properly, and say when you'll come back. Next time, pick gentler questions and one concern at most. If each one turns into the same argument, there may be a pattern to look at together or with a counsellor.

Are these the same as the 36 questions?

No. The 36 questions come from a study by Arthur Aron and colleagues (1997), in which pairs of strangers grew closer by asking increasingly personal questions. They weren't designed for couples checking in on their relationship. Some long-term couples enjoy them anyway, as a different way of getting curious.

Relationship check-in questions for couples

Why a check-in at all

Most couples only talk about the relationship when something's wrong, which teaches both people to flinch whenever someone says 'can we talk?'. A regular check-in changes what those words mean. It gives small things somewhere to go before they become big.

There's some research behind the idea. James Cordova and colleagues (2014) ran a randomised trial with 215 married couples of the 'Marriage Checkup', annual sessions with a therapist that looked at what was going well and what wasn't. Compared with couples on a waiting list, those who did it showed small improvements in satisfaction, intimacy and acceptance of each other. That was a therapist-led version, so a kitchen-table check-in isn't the same thing, and we don't know of a trial testing one. It does suggest that couples looking at their relationship on purpose, kindly and at intervals, is a reasonable thing to do.

The Gottman Institute recommends something more frequent, a weekly 'State of the Union' meeting of about an hour. Many couples can't keep that up, so here's a monthly version. A rhythm you'll actually keep beats a better one you won't.

To warm up

What was the best moment of this month for you, with or without me?
What did I do recently that you appreciated, even if you didn't say so?
What's made you laugh lately?
What have you been thinking about that we haven't talked about?
When did you feel most like yourself this month?
What went better than you expected lately?

Feeling close

When did you feel closest to me this month?
When did you feel furthest away?
Is there something you've wanted to tell me and haven't found the moment for?
When you reach out to me, is there anything that makes it easier or harder to do that?
What's something you'd like me to ask you about more often?
What do you feel I don't quite understand about your life right now?
What did I do lately that made you feel looked after?

The load

What's felt heaviest for you this month?
What are you carrying that you think I may not notice?
Is there anything at home that feels unfair at the moment? What would feel fairer?
What's one thing I could take off your plate this month?
Are we okay for time together, or has something been crowding us out?
What would a slightly easier month look like for you?

Money, family and the people around us

Is there anything about money that's on your mind that we haven't discussed?
Is there a decision coming up that you'd like us to make together?
How are you feeling about how much we see each other's families?
Has anyone in the family put you in a difficult spot lately? Would you like me to do anything about it?
Is there a friend or a part of your life you've been missing?
Is there anything you'd like us to say no to next month?

Affection and intimacy (only if you both want to)

What kind of affection has felt good lately?
Is there something that makes you feel wanted that we've stopped doing?
Is there anything about our physical relationship you'd like to talk about, now or some other time?
When do you feel most relaxed with me?

Repair

Is there anything from this month that still stings a bit?
Did I say or do something that I may not realise landed badly?
When we last argued, what would have helped you?
Did you try to make up at some point and I missed it?
Is there anything you'd like to apologise for, or hear an apology for?

Looking ahead

What are you looking forward to next month?
What's one new thing you'd like us to try before the next check-in?
Is there anything you want from the next year that you haven't said aloud?
How have you changed lately? What do you think I might not have caught up with?
What's one thing about us you'd want to protect, whatever else changes?
What's one small thing I could do differently this month that would matter to you?

How to hold it so it doesn't become an audit

A check-in can turn into a performance review surprisingly fast, with one person reading out the findings. These rules are designed to prevent that.

Pick three or four questions, not a list. Take turns choosing. Both people answer each one.
Start with appreciation. The Gottman Institute suggests appreciations before any problem. Be specific: 'you stayed calm with my mother on Sunday' rather than 'you've been great'.
Answer about yourself. 'I've felt lonely in the evenings' is an answer. 'You're always on your phone' is an accusation that happens to be in the room.
Listen, then say back what you heard, before replying. The Gottman guidance is that each person should feel understood before any problem-solving starts.
One concern at most, one small request at most. Anything else goes on a list for next month.
No scores, no minutes, no 'last month you said'. Nothing shared in a check-in gets used in the next argument. If that happens even once, people stop being honest.
Stop if it heats up. If either of you is overwhelmed, end it, and say when you'll come back. It's fine for a check-in to be short.
Finish on something pleasant. Tea, a walk, something you both like. You want to feel fine about doing this again.

A monthly rhythm

Pick a fixed slot, such as the first Sunday after lunch, and put it in the calendar. A plan with a time and a place is much more likely to happen than an intention, as Peter Gollwitzer's research on planning suggests. Thirty minutes is plenty.

Five minutes: appreciation. Two or three specific things each.
Fifteen minutes: three or four questions from the lists above. Rotate through the groups month by month.
Five minutes: one concern, if there is one, and one small request. Small enough to do this month.
Five minutes: something to look forward to before next time. Then do something else.

How to suggest it

“I'd like us to talk more when nothing's wrong. Could we try thirty minutes on Sunday, with tea, just to see how we're doing?”

“I found some questions. Can I ask you one? You can pick one for me too.”

“I don't have anything bad to bring up. That's why I thought now would be a good time.”

“Let's try it three times and then decide if we like it.”

If you're starting alone, or it's not a safe conversation

Your partner may not be interested, or the first try may fall flat. You can still use these questions on your own, in writing, and then pick a single one to ask on a walk. It doesn't have to be called anything. ELOVIYA's three-minute check-in is built for this situation too: it's private, and one of you can do it alone.

If you're afraid of how your partner might react to honest answers, please don't use these questions as a way of raising things. A conversation that feels dangerous is not a communication problem, and the support lines on our safety page are confidential.

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Sources

Cordova, J. V., Fleming, C. J. E., Morrill, M. I., Hawrilenko, M., Sollenberger, J. W., Harp, A. G., et al. (2014). The Marriage Checkup: A randomized controlled trial of annual relationship health checkups. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 82(4), 592–604. In 215 married couples, therapist-led annual checkups were followed by small improvements in satisfaction, intimacy and acceptance.
The Gottman Institute. State of the Union Meeting. gottman.com/blog/state-of-the-union-meeting Practical guidance for a weekly couple meeting: appreciations first, and each partner feeling understood before any problem-solving.
Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377. Pairs of strangers who asked each other progressively more personal questions reported greater closeness than pairs asking superficial ones.
Gollwitzer, P. M. (1999). Implementation intentions: Strong effects of simple plans. American Psychologist, 54(7), 493–503. Deciding when and where you'll do something ('if it's 9 pm, then…') makes follow-through more likely.

ELOVIYA is evidence-informed self-help, not therapy or medical care, and doesn't diagnose anyone. If you are in danger, contact local emergency services or a support line.