My partner doesn't talk to me: why someone won't open up, and what to try

What this tends to look like

You ask how the day was, and they say 'fine'. You raise something that's been bothering you, and their eyes go to the phone. You ask what's wrong, and they say 'nothing' in a voice that isn't nothing. Then you try harder, they say less, and at some point you hear yourself saying something sharper than you meant, followed by a silence that lasts until Thursday.

It's tempting to read this as not caring. Sometimes that's part of it. But silence has several quite different causes, and the same 'fine' can come from a person who is exhausted, frightened of a fight, ashamed of something at work, or finished with trying. It's worth slowing down enough to find out which, because what helps one can make another worse.

Telling the kinds of silence apart

These are patterns to notice, not labels for your partner. You may only be able to guess until you've asked.

• Overwhelmed silence. It starts when things get heated. They may look blank or leave the room. Gottman's research describes flooding: when the body is on high alert, listening and talking become very hard. Often they come back calmer later.
• Out-of-words silence. They go quiet about feelings in general, with everyone, and may have grown up in a home where nobody discussed them. They may talk easily about cricket, code or the car. It's less about you and more about never having learned how.
• It-goes-badly silence. They used to talk. Now they've decided it ends in an argument, or in their words being used against them later. This one is often a response to history between you, and it may ease once talking starts going differently.
• Carrying-something silence. It's recent and out of character. There may be a job worry, a debt, a health scare or a family matter they feel they ought to handle alone. Many people, especially those expected to be the family's strong one, may hide this to protect you.
• Done-for-now silence. They've stopped engaging on almost everything, including things they once enjoyed sharing, and small kindnesses go unanswered. This may reflect deeper disengagement, and it deserves a direct, calm conversation rather than a technique.

Why asking harder tends to make it quieter

Researchers call it the demand/withdraw pattern: one partner presses for discussion or change, and the other avoids or goes silent. Each move provokes the other. A meta-analysis by Schrodt, Witt and Shimkowski, pooling 74 studies, found the pattern moderately linked to poorer outcomes for individuals and relationships, and to a similar degree whichever partner was the one pressing. So this isn't a men's problem or a women's problem. Therapist Sue Johnson describes the same thing as a cycle in which the person withdrawing is often trying to calm things down, and the person pursuing is trying to feel connected.

If you're the one asking, that can be painful to read. You aren't wrong to want a real conversation. Wanting to be spoken to by your own partner is entirely reasonable. The point is only that the way you're currently asking may be getting you less of what you want, and that part is in your hands.

More on the loop behind repeat arguments →

What to try instead

• Move from open questions to small ones. 'How are you feeling about us?' is enormous. 'What was the worst bit of today?' can be answered in six words, and six words is a start.
• Talk side by side. Many people find it easier in the car, on a walk, or while cooking, since nobody has to manage eye contact. In a crowded home, a walk may also be the only private place you have.
• Give notice for hard topics. 'Can we talk about the money thing on Sunday morning?' gives them time to think, which many quiet people need. Surprise conversations at 11 pm rarely go well.
• Offer a choice of format. Some people say more in a message than in person. A WhatsApp sent from the next room can seem silly, and it may work.
• Respond well to the small thing. When they do say something, don't correct it, solve it or jump to the bigger issue. A plain 'thanks for telling me' teaches them it was safe.
• Share first, without an invoice. Say something real about your own week and don't require anything back. People often open up more readily around someone who's already doing it.
• Let silence be silence for a minute. People who process slowly often need several seconds to find a sentence. Count to ten before you fill the gap.

Words you could use

When silence isn't a communication problem

All of the above assumes both of you feel safe. Some silence works differently. If your partner goes silent for days as punishment until you apologise, if you're afraid of what will happen when they do speak, or if it comes alongside controlling who you see, what you spend or where you go, then learning to ask better questions isn't the answer. You haven't caused it by asking wrongly, and exercises for couples are not the right tool. Your safety comes first, and support is available.

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