Relationship problems after having a baby: what's common and what helps

What the research actually found

Brian Doss and colleagues followed 218 couples through the first eight years of marriage. Compared with how they'd been before, those who had a first child showed a sudden decline in relationship functioning after the birth, on both self-reports and observed behaviour. The changes were small to medium in size and tended to persist. Couples who didn't have children also declined over those years, but gradually, without the sudden step. For the average couple, the authors found no aspect of the relationship that improved after the birth.

Two details are worth holding on to. First, couples who had been very satisfied before the birth tended to drop further, so a drop doesn't mean your relationship was weak to begin with. Second, this is an average, and couples varied widely. A 'small to medium' change also isn't the same as ruin. But since these declines tended to persist, it may be better to act on them than to wait for the baby to start sleeping.

A caveat: this study, like much of the research here, followed married couples in the United States, most of them White. It can't tell us how things look in a home with three generations, where the same birth may bring more help and more voices.

Why it happens

• Sleep. Almost everything is harder on broken sleep: patience, kindness, listening, remembering that you like each other.
• The load shifts, often without a decision. Carolyn and Philip Cowan, who followed couples from pregnancy into parenthood, describe how even couples who shared things fairly before often slide into more traditional roles. The bigger the gap between what each person expected and what actually happened, the more strain they describe.
• Invisible work. Tracking feeds, vaccination dates, the rash, what's run out. One parent often becomes the household's memory, while the other believes they're helping by doing what they're asked.
• Two very different days. One of you may long for an adult conversation by 6 pm. The other may come home wanting silence. Each one thinks the other has had the easier day.
• Less of you. Bodies, identities, money, sex and friendships all change at once, and you may have no energy left to talk about any of it.

When the family is part of it

In much of India, a new mother may go to her parents' home for the birth and the weeks after. It's often real help. It can also mean that a couple spend the most intense weeks of their lives in different houses, that the father misses the early learning, and that the mother returns home with routines he's never seen. Some fathers then feel like guests with their own child, and some mothers feel they're doing it all a second time, this time without their own mother.

Where grandparents live with you or come to help, you may have more rest and more opinions. Advice on oil massage, feeding, bathing and when to go out can turn into a quiet contest over who knows best, with one partner caught between their parent and their spouse. It's rarely about the massage. It's usually about who gets to decide.

It often helps to settle one thing privately, away from the family: which decisions belong to the two of you, and who will speak to whose parents. It's usually easier for each of you to raise difficult things with your own parents. A united 'we've decided to try it this way' tends to land better than one partner defending themselves alone.

Is it this season, or something the baby exposed?

This question may help you decide how much to do yourselves. Neither answer is a verdict.

• More like the season: you were getting on well before. The fights are mostly about sleep and chores. A good night's rest or a morning off makes you noticeably kinder to each other.
• More like something exposed: the same arguments existed before, only quieter. Rest doesn't change much, and there's contempt or long silences. In Doss's study, couples with more negative communication before the birth were among those at greater risk of decline, so outside help may be worthwhile sooner rather than later.

What tends to help

• Write down the invisible list together. Every recurring task, including the thinking ones. Don't argue about fairness at first. Just look at it. Many people are honestly surprised.
• Hand over whole jobs, not errands. 'Vaccinations are yours now: booking, remembering, going' works better than 'can you take her on Tuesday?'. The person taking over gets to do it their way, even if it's not the way you would.
• Protect sleep as a shared resource. A protected five-hour stretch each, in turns, may help more than two people both half-awake every night.
• Have a ten-minute handover. When one parent comes back, take five minutes each, with the phones down: one hard thing, one good thing, and what's needed tonight.
• Talk about something other than the baby, for ten minutes, once a week. It feels strange at first. It reminds you that you're also people who know each other.
• Let closeness be broad. Sex often changes after a birth, at different speeds for each of you. Touch without expectation, like a hand on the back, or sitting close, can help keep closeness alive without pressure. If there's pain, talk to your doctor.

Words you could use

If it's turning into resentment: how to raise it gently →

When it's more than strain

Exhaustion and sadness are common after a birth, but a persistently low mood, constant worry, feeling numb or feeling unable to bond with your baby are reasons to see a doctor. This isn't limited to the parent who gave birth. Paulson and Bazemore pooled 43 studies and estimated that around one in ten fathers experience depression around a birth, and that depression in one parent is linked to depression in the other, so it's worth keeping an eye on each other. In India, Tele-MANAS offers free mental health support at any hour on 14416. If you ever have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, please seek urgent help right away. That's a health emergency, and it says nothing about what kind of parent you are.

Pregnancy and the months after a birth can also be a time when fear enters a relationship. If your partner frightens you, or you feel controlled, please put that first.

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