Signs of a healthy relationship, and signs of an unhealthy one

Why behaviour tells you more than a label

Most lists of signs online ask you to decide what kind of person your partner is. That rarely helps. A label tends to end the thinking, and people use them about each other in the heat of the moment. It's more useful to look at what happens: what's said, what follows, and how you feel afterwards. Any couple can have any of these on a bad day. What you're looking for is what's usual.

Research has also moved beyond a simple checklist. Harry Reis, Margaret Clark and John Holmes (2004) put at the centre of intimacy the sense that your partner understands you, values you and cares about you. It's a useful test to come back to. Across 43 studies and more than 11,000 couples, Samantha Joel and colleagues (2020) found the strongest relationship predictors of how people rated their relationships were how committed they felt their partner was, appreciation, sexual satisfaction, how satisfied they felt their partner was, and conflict. Notably, those are about the way it feels between you, not about whether you have the same interests.

When you disagree

• Often healthy: you can raise something without planning for days. You argue about the thing itself. Either of you can say 'okay, you have a point'. Someone can ask for a pause and come back.
• Worth looking at: arguments go quickly to what's wrong with you as a person. One of you goes silent for days. The same fight runs on repeat, and no one can remember how it started.
• John Gottman's research (1994) found criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling among the patterns most strongly linked to couples doing badly over time. Mockery and open disgust are the ones to watch most closely.

When someone says no

• Often healthy: you can say no to sex, to a plan, to a family visit, or to lending money, and the worst that happens is some disappointment.
• Worth looking at: a no is followed by days of coldness, guilt or sulking, so that you've started to say yes to avoid what comes after.
• A safety matter: a no leads to threats, breaking things, or being hurt, or you've stopped saying no because you're afraid.

With friends, family and money

• Often healthy: you each have people of your own. You can see them without an inquiry. Money is talked about, even if it's argued about, and each of you knows roughly what's there.
• Worth looking at: you hide small purchases, you feel you have to explain every outing, or one of you makes every money decision without discussion. In joint families, decisions may get made around one of you rather than with you. That can be habit rather than intent, but it's worth raising.
• A safety matter: you're kept from seeing people, your phone or movements are checked and you're afraid to refuse, your salary is taken, or you're not allowed to work or study.

When one of you needs something

• Often healthy: bad days get noticed. Good news gets real interest. Shelly Gable and colleagues found that responding actively to a partner's good news was linked to better relationship well-being, so this one counts for more than it looks.
• Worth looking at: you've stopped telling them things because it doesn't seem to land, or you feel more yourself with almost anyone else.
• Often this comes from drift and exhaustion rather than lack of care. It's often one of the more changeable things on this page.

Feeling like roommates: what it means and what helps →

After it goes wrong

This may be the most useful part to look at, because every couple gets it wrong regularly. What happens in the hours and days afterwards? Does somebody come back? Is there an 'I'm sorry I said that', a joke, a hand reached out, a cup of tea left beside you? Is it accepted when it's offered?

Be careful about one pattern in particular. An apology followed by real change is repair. A cycle of harm, tears, gifts and promises, followed by the same harm again, isn't, however sincere it may feel at the time.

Three things that aren't on this list

• Never fighting. Couples who avoid every conflict aren't necessarily doing well, and many couples who argue are fine.
• Feeling in love all the time. Warmth and desire come and go in long relationships. A flat stretch alone doesn't say much.
• Wanting the same things all the time. Lasting differences are normal. Gottman's research suggests most recurring conflicts are about these, and many couples do well with them.

How to tell a hard patch from a harmful pattern

Couples under stress can look a lot like couples in trouble. A few questions may help separate these.

• Did it start around something, such as a baby, a job loss, or a parent's illness? Or has it been this way for as long as you can remember?
• Does it improve when the pressure drops?
• Are you sad and tired around them, or careful and watchful? Sadness suggests something is missing. Watchfulness can suggest something else.
• Could you tell a close friend exactly what happened last week? If you'd edit it to protect them or yourself, it may be worth asking why.

When it's control, threats or fear

The World Health Organization includes controlling behaviours alongside physical aggression, sexual coercion and psychological abuse in its definition of intimate partner violence. So being monitored, isolated, kept from money, threatened, or frightened isn't a communication issue, even if nobody has ever hit you. Couple exercises aren't the right tool, and they may make things more dangerous. You don't need to be sure, or to have a name for it, before you talk to someone. Support lines are free and confidential, and they can be used to think things over.

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Words you could use, if things are safe